I had the pleasure of going to see Twilight last year on the opening day of release. Needless to say I was the oldest (easily) and most male (just) person in the theatre. I won’t be making the same mistake this year. Oh no!
Not unless I go and watch it ironically and PLAY A DRINKING GAME?! Ok.
Take a drink if:
You find yourself wondering if Thom Yorke knew what soundtrack he was signing up for. The sell must have been amazing.
Bella finds herself in a social situation but just stands there with her mouth open, looking a bit simple.
Edward finds himself in a social situation and looks like he needs to do a poo. Possibly at Paul’s house.
You feel depressed about being in a room full of very young girls.
Take two drinks if:
You nod off briefly only to wake up having forgotten you’re watching NEW FUCKING MOON.
Bella is still standing there with her mouth open, looking a bit simple.
You feel horny about being in a room full of young girls.
Down the bottle if:
You try and justify your terrible mind by telling yourself, “She’ll be quite fit in a few years…” Not good enough.
You look at Lucie Jones Bella and wonder if you put X Factor on timer record.
You’ll need hard liquor for this. Don’t drive to the cinema.
I know… I was looking at it going, “This is gold!” and then… there’s nothing to actually say that I can think of. And I’m never short of a dismissive Arsenal one liner. Maybe that’s the blog.
“How can something so inherently ridiculous inspire absolutely zero comment in me?”
Whoever might have been within earshot of me at Reading this year probably heard me moaning about never being able to go to FrightFest.
The Human Centipede was one of the films on at FF this year. This film will be better than Radiohead was but such is the power of hindsight. And my will to go to Reading every bloody year, regardless of anything else in the world, anywhere.
Today’s Popbitch reminded me of how disgustingly brilliant this film looks. I can’t beat PB’s synopsis so here it is:
A crazed German doctor decides to create a human centipede by kidnapping three people and surgically joining them together. He removes their kneecaps to make their legs bend forward from the knee, like a centipede, and then joins them together, mouth to anus, to create a three part creature. The doctor feeds the first person. The second is fed through their mouth being attached to the first’s anus, and they in turn feed the third person in the same way.
Yummy!!
Trailer(ish) for The Human Centipede
Here’s another photo of the same girl as the top photo. It gives, “EAT MY SHIT!” a whole new meaning.
Is this the most welcoming sign in the world of cafés?
I didn’t eat or drink in there, but that’s not the point.
Also, if there ever was a country to welcome and fortify one’s desire in growing a mullet, it is most definitely Spain.
While mine attracts much attention over here, it is but a fledgling in Iberian climes. I saw plaited mullets, sculpted mullets, rat-tails, unkempt mullets, balding mullets – every kind of mullet under the sun.
Madrid was like the mullet equivalent of the Titty Twister.
Yep, if anyone sees me at Reading Festival this weekend and finds themselves thinking, “Gosh, Raz is looking positively triangular of torso at the moment,” feel free to compliment me on my purchase of the JML Iron Gym.
The new Premier League football season is just days away and that means it’s time for the slack fuckers amongst you to sort your Fantasy Football teams out.
This one is FREE so you can’t moan about paying a fiver entry fee but once again I will be organising the optional sweepstake. £5 entry and the overall, end-of-season winner takes 75%, with 2nd place taking 15% and 3rd place taking 10%.
Chris Gornell won the last one I did and he was so happy with his money, he gave it to charity.
